The search is over… (the journey begins)

Finding and choosing a midwife didn’t prove to be easy for me.

First three months of pregnancy were a neurotic, tear-filled, physically draining time. The worst part was being away from John. Back in LA, after only a week together with the news, I felt alone, panicked, and even my body reacted with negativity. I had a general feeling of panic. I was worried when I had symptoms, I was worried that I wasn’t having enough symptoms. I felt tired, but not nauseous. I felt protective of my space, and like I wanted to be taken care of. I felt small and huge. I felt like I had to pee every 10 minutes, and how was I possibly going to get through ten more months of this. I felt like I knew nothing. I felt like I knew too much. I felt anxious to my core. My heart felt fast. My mind felt slow. I wanted to nap forever, or just watch a bunch of TV.

But now, As I sit here tonight, I have chosen not only my midwife, but my place of birth. I feel a little pang of fear as I make that decision, as I step boldly into the woman that I know I am. I choose to trust birth, I choose to trust myself, I choose to trust God. I choose to trust in all that I know. In all that I will know, eventually.

It is the unfolding, the letting go of one trapeze bar and flying in the in between, waiting for the hands of the partner to find me.

For me the journey was not as simple as I thought it would be. I found that I trusted home birth completely for others, but somehow faced with my own pregnancy, questioned everything I knew. I met with midwives at 4 weeks, again at 8 weeks, and finally toured the hospital which really made the decision start to become clear. Finally today, at 16 and a half weeks, I met my midwife. I had that “ah-ha” moment, that clear sense, this is the person I want to share this journey with. I just wanted to curl up with her on a couch and snuggle. I figured that was a good sign.

And as we spoke, and as she told me her philosophy and answered my questions, and listened to my fears, I began to laugh, and to feel still, and to feel like a mama. And to feel like myself. I am ready to do this, I am ready to enjoy this. I am ready for the mystery,

I am ready for the unknown.

One thing that is funny about all of this is how our midwife was not in my initial search. Her name was not in my consciousness. Then suddenly it was. And here we are. And I think, where was she? Why didn’t I hear about her? In the past week (since setting up the appointment with her) we have met two other moms who have worked with her, and I’ve heard amazing things about her. So where was she? Why did I live for 14 weeks without any care, not sure of who I should work with?

And it came to me. In Los Angeles, it would have been too easy to throw all my trust into Davi Khalsa, the amazing midwife. And if I had found Elizabeth right away, I would have been able to do the same. In the interim before finding her, I really had to grow to trust home birth, myself, and birth in general.

Now, she can appear, and am ready.